I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
