you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
