I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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