So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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