i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
