Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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