She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
