Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
