he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
