My liver just broke up with me...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
