I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize