Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
