I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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