I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The adults are the big ones right?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
