I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i barfeds in our rink
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
