Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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