I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize