Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
