He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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