If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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