I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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