im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
