Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
