I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
