im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
