Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
