I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
