and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
