I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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