Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
