someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
