so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
