community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
