I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
