Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My liver just had a heart attack.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
