ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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