He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize