Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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