the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
