I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
