why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
