literally had 100 drinks last night.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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