I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
