Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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