Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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