I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Come on in and take your pants off
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