that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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