im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
