just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
