OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
