My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
