We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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