Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
