I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
