so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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