I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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