Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Who died my cat blue again?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
