I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
her facebook's as public as her vagina
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
A+ Viking dick
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
