I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
