I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
