A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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