Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize