tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
