Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
