JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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