my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
