i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
